She and I aren't as close as Emma and I were at this age. She doesn't find comfort in me.
Tears poured down my face as I sang, and I muffled my sobs in her little jammies.
I know that is not true. But sometimes my struggle to soothe and calm her to sleep, or to pacify her painful cries, gets to me. She is honestly a very easy baby, compared to the trials we had with Emma's inability to self-soothe at all and her constant separation anxiety from birth on... still, regardless of her simplicity, I cannot soothe her the way I did Emma. As long as Emma had me it didn't matter what I did. I could sing a ballad version of Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" or just shush her gently as I swayed, and she was just completely reassured by being in my arms.
I know that Audrey adores me as her mommy, and I know that I meet her needs in ways that I don't understand yet. I do need to accept that she really isn't a snuggler. And that her crying and fussing is her way of working herself down to sleep, and that I'm not a bad mom.
There are plenty of other lies we women tell ourselves, and some hit harder than others. Some hurt less, some completely shift our way of operating.
If I don't wear makeup my husband won't be attracted to me anymore.
I can't have a body like "so-and-so" because I eat too many sweets. I bet she never has treats.
My thighs look fat in these yoga pants.
I need bangs.
I need to dye my hair.
My car isn't as shiny and new as hers, I'm going to leave last so she doesn't judge me for it and think I'm poor.
I'm the only one with debt.
Do any of these resonate with you? Feel free to add your own to the list. Some of these are mine. Honestly, they all are. But when I'm not emotional and I'm not feeling vulnerable, these don't bother me.
First of all, I LOVE my car. Most young married people have some debt. I change my hair a lot and that's okay. I Do need bangs because my forehead is huge, I get that. Etc, etc.
Things like this don't cross my mind about my friends. Or even strangers. But it's easy to be all over ourselves because we truly are our biggest critic.
I hope you can see past the lies you tell yourself. If you need help, I'm here. I need help too.